Penance
by yaminoyume
Summary: Kaku's return to Water 7, and Paulie's reaction to it. WARNING: Not a happy fic


A/N: … I am really, really sorry about this… I don't even… this is so depressing. And completely out of character as well. I have no excuse for the amount of emo-fail in this fic. OTL *BOWS IN APOLOGY*

Please enjoy… if you can. You don't have to read it.

Warning for mentions of blood and semi-graphic descriptions of inuries. ALSO NON-LINEARITY.

~*~*~*~*~

Kaku let out a soft moan, but it was quickly reduced to shuddering coughs. Blood sprayed from his lips. There was pain, so much pain… almost more than he could think through, almost more than he should survive. His pain came from his wounds both internal and external. His pain came from his heart and mind. They were poisoned irreparably with thoughts of his future and guilt felt like a stone in his heart, keeping it from beating properly.

'Ah… maybe that was the problem?'

Something shifted. The ropes around his neck tightened and he gagged, a trail of spit leaving his mouth to pool on the floor. It was red.

"How could you, you bastard, how you could you… how could we ever forgive you? What makes you think we could forgive and forget you bastard…" The mantra continued softly behind him, the rage behind it ever-present. After weeks, no, days- has it only been 7 days?- Kaku had come to nod with the other man, always agreeing with his mutterings even has his booted foot came crashing down to break bones and flesh, even as his hand gripped and tore at skin and hair.

7 days ago, it had been raining. Kaku, whole and hopeless, had walked back into Water 7 in search of redemption. He was sure that was what he was looking for at the time. No one recognized him, and yet he felt as if the entire was looking at him, frowning upon his existence and judging him from on high. Kaku had felt nervous then and sad. He was looking for a place to stay when…

A face, a nose, a mouth, those eyes, all flashed into his view. Those eyes glared deeply into his own, accusingly.

"P-Paulie…" Kaku rasped out, his voice breaking past his dry lips. The rope tightened around his throat.

"Bastard, do you think you've had enough? Even if Mr. Iceberg would forgive you, how can I ever…?" Paulie growled out. Kaku was delirious he was sure. Even now, like then, that twinge of sadness was there. But no, that couldn't be right. He looked again and only saw pure, fierce rage contorting this face that used to be so free of such emotions. Such a nostalgic expression…

Even then, past the shock and fear, there had been immediate, instinctive rage. Kaku should have been prepared for this, but he wasn't. The rage he expected, the surprise and fear he expected… but that glint of sorrow he saw there… It tore at him. A part of him wondered if Paulie knew too, if he knew what Kaku had thrown away for the sake of his duty, for the government.

"What… the hell?!" Paulie's first reaction sounded forced but genuine all the same. Kaku's shock wore off.

"Paulie…" Kaku didn't say anything else for a long time, relaxing his stance completely and letting his arms fall to his sides. Paulie had cycled through his words and rage, accusing him of so many things. Kaku wanted to be lost in his voice just talking to him, addressing him at all, but it was so hard and cold that he could do nothing but mourn again what had been lost to him forever.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Paulie had growled out, his hands immediately headed towards his weapons. Kaku had also expected this. He made no move, used no technique to protect himself. Paulie just stood there, expecting the first move. Kaku looked at him then, really looked. His eyes were filled with pain and guilt, like words could never express.

What happened next surprised all of them, Kaku included. He set his bag down, dropping it carelessly onto the wet ground. He fell to his knees, a completely uncontrolled move and painful move. Throwing his arms out to the sides, he knelt forward and touched his head to the wet ground.

"Please…. Please… I don't…. I know that I…" Kaku couldn't even look for the words needed. He was afraid, truly afraid, and unsure of Paulie's reaction. Even with the rain soaking into his clothes, his face almost completely buried in the mud of the street, all he could worry about was the other man.

"How could you beg for forgiveness? How could I ever forgive you?" Paulie muttered this into his ears, beating him continuously. Kaku let the blows wash over him, relishing oddly in each new wave of pain. It wasn't as though he enjoyed it. It filled him with a kind of relief...

The world came rushing back up to him. There was a sharp tug from his bound arms and legs, but the impact was hard nonetheless. Kaku felt the right side of his head burst into more pain, and the feeling of blood pooling under his head did little to stave off his light-headedness.

"Why, why did you come back?" Paulie asked, over and over. This was new. Kaku's form slumped on the ground, his body completely still, save for his breathing, but his mind raced. Why had he come? Was it really for forgiveness? Yes, of course it was… at least in the beginning. Hadn't the guilt eaten up at him from the inside? Hadn't he spent months wishing he could change the past and make things go back to the way they were? Kaku's eyes opened and closed slowly. His body twitched once, an attempt to shift at all. It was morbid, the movement mimicking the body as it goes into rigormortis. It was the best he could manage however, and it was enough. He turned his eyes towards this man, his captor, his punisher, his judge… and in his eyes he hoped he expressed everything.

At the moment he felt incredibly calm… Paulie must have had quite a bit to drink that evening. He usually went drinking, alone or with friends Kaku couldn't tell. He usually came back drunk too. It hurt Kaku somewhat, that Paulie couldn't even be sober when he was facing him… He'd done quite a number that night. Idly Kaku stared at the blood pooling around him. He felt at peace, more at peace than he'd ever felt before. All the emotions, all the pain, had rushed out of him, and vaguely he wondered, 'Is this what absolution feels like?'

"Bastard… bastard…" And suddenly there were hands untying the ropes, letting his arms fall limply to the ground. "You… fucking… is that all you came here for, you just came here to die? You came here to have me kill you? You bastard… I hate you, I hate you…" Even as he was saying this, arms encircled the bloody form below him, brought him closer until Kaku's head was nestled securely against the other man's chest. His heart was beating fast, like a rabbit's.

"… P… Paulie…" Kaku croaked out. He supposed Paulie could have been right. He could've come here to die. After all, hadn't he been prepared for that? Kaku thought that, as he lay there in Paulie's arms, cradled like a child, that he didn't want to die. He didn't want to escape either. He wanted to live now, now that he'd tried to make it up to Paulie… He still needed to apologize to Iceberg after all… and the other shipwrights of course. His vision faded. 'Shit… just when I finally want to start living again…' Kaku couldn't help but smile at the irony. 'Too late, always too late…' Vaguely he realized Paulie was speaking again. 'All that muttering's not good for you, Paulie…' Kaku thought, his mouth occasionally moving as if he was speaking out loud.

"I'm not letting you go again. You can't leave me. I'm never letting you go, never…" Kaku looked at him quietly. Gritting his teeth, he lifted an arm. His ribs screamed against the movement and his arm moved clumsily as all the blood had not returned to it. Through sheer force of will however, his arm made it to its destination. Using one bloodied hand, he touched Paulie's face. It was rather difficult to see in the dim lighting, or perhaps his dimming vision, the expression on the other man's face, but he could feel tears…

His arm fell.

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: … I'm so sorry. I don't think I killed Kaku there. Depends on whether or not I feel inspired enough to add onto this. Think I added enough wangst? I hope it wasn't confusing as hell. :\


End file.
